John dies again
by harleyq23
Summary: Can life really get any worse? We almost died way to many times to count, I'm ready to retire, except there's two strangers that need to get home. I hope John and I can find out where that home is, guess it's time to pull out the soy sauce again.
1. the beginning

**Disclaimer: me no own, me to poor.**

**warnings****: graphic language, graphic images, random plot twists.**

I hate spiders, like I _really_ fucking **_hate_** spiders. Of you were here a few months ago, or read my last book, you would know why I hate spiders. Now wig monsters, those fuckers are a different story altogether. Don't even get me started on Molly, the fucking wonder dog. She has died three times now, yet she's still here. I mean literally, she is on my counter trying to get the jar of cookies on top of the fridge.

Anyway, before I get too far into this story, I feel the need to tell you again. I am an asshole, and I'm not sorry. If you have read the first two books, or even if you have seen that jacked up movie, which painted us in a much better light by the way, you already know John and I are assholes. We don't exactly try to be, but life has felt us a really shitty hand. I can't even count the number of times we have almost died. John actually did die, now that I think about it. But don't worry he's better now, well he's _alive_ anyway. I don't think either of us will ever be better per se…

Let's get back on topic, spiders, fucking creepy little bugs. I never use to mind them, until they started _crawling up your ass_, and living in your _fucking mouth_. I mean, set aside the horror from that incident, you have a spider covered in your own fucking shit sitting in your mouth! I don't know about you, but it's fucking sick. It's like that shitty human centipede movie all over again, but it was my fucking life. Now I can't even kill the damn things, I have to have Amy do it for me.

Yeah, Amy is still here, we are actually dating now. Well, kinda… see she lives with me, and we sleep together, but she won't call me her boyfriend. But she still insists I'm her girlfriend, so I don't know what's going on there. It's not just that either, lately it's just not the same. It's like we are distancing ourselves from each other. We talk a lot less, and she seems to go out with her friends more often now.

Shit, off topic again, I'm sorry this has been happening more often lately too. More side effects of the sauce, we never should have taken it again. It just started a whole new set of problems. So it all started about three weeks ago I think...


	2. Rick the Dick

I'm so sick of those stupid depression commercials, you know the ones where they hold up those stupid emoji masks? No depressed person I know holds a paper on a stick in front of their face when they feel sad. I should know, the town of, Undisclosed, is nothing but a pit of depression now. Still picking up the pieces of our lives, after almost being blown to smithereens. This made worse by the fact we were saved by a fucking dog, granted she is the smartest and dumbest dog I've ever known.

Molly is my dog, well my girlfriend's dog really, but she lived with me and I had to pay to feed her. John, my best and probably only friend, shares custody of the dog. That's being generous, considering she can somehow pick locks, and break into our houses whenever she pleases. Stupid fucking dog ate the last of my cookies, then ran to John's place to hide.

Woof! Woof!

I'm brought out of my memories by a rust coloured ball of fur jumping on me. That's Molly, no respect for personal space.

"Alright, alright, get down I'll take you out," I say, pushing the dog off. I stand up want walk towards the door, where her leash is hanging on a hook. Attaching it to her collar, I lead her outside, wishing I could just let her run free.

A scream, coming from my pocket, makes me jump so bad I drop the leash. Digging in my pocket for my phone, I just stare at Molly as she sits down. She states at me as she waits for me to answer it, yeah, she's weird too. It's John, there went my night, damn.

"No," I say as I answer the call.

"Oh, Dave, good your home. Hey, I need you to come over, we uh… we got a problem."

"We or you?"

"We, as in only you and I could see it, or possibly deal with it. You remember Rick right?" My blood froze, my heart stopped.

'No no no, not Rick the dick.'

Rick the dick, or just Rick, was a monster that lived with John when all this bullshit began, two years ago. Rick is, well to put it simply, is a wig monster, born from piss. It walks on seven baby hands attached to insect like legs, it's head was a sort of inverted heart shape. It had a wife bank of mismatched eyes in an arc over what looked to Be a black parrot beak. And on it's head, I shit you not, is a red wig held on by an elastic band that went around it's head.

The weirdest part of Rick, is that his body has two parts. The head, and his ass, but they are not connected.

Yeah, you read that right.

"Please tell me you found his dead body, and are calling to arrange a funeral?" I asked, I did not whine, I swear.

"Dave, that's rude. Rick is not his family and has done nothing to us."

"Yet…"

"No, he appeared in my house, I uh… I'm kinda trapped in my room."

"John, do you realise how stupid you just sounded? Rick barely comes up to your knee."

"Well yes, but now he has a stinger, I'm not entirely fond of getting stabbed with the damn thing it's huge."

"Fine, I'll bring Molly over, maybe she can take the hit for us."

"Dude, don't force her to be violated again." I flashed back, the six of us in a circle. A blonde wig monster jumping on Molly, pumping her full of soy sauce. I shook my head to clear it again.

" Alright fine, but if he kills me, I'm going to haunt your ass for the rest of your life."

"That's fair, hey can you pick up some beer?"

Click*

I hung up, of course I'd pick up beer, we would need it tonight, and probably for the rest of our lives.


	3. a monster for dinner

Walking into John's apartment, I'm immediately hit with the smell of unwashed clothes, and McDonald's. Yep, John still lives here. You see, John has a problem keeping jobs, so he has a problem keeping an apartment. This is the third one since the incident. The second thing I'm hit with, is Rick. The fucker jumped on me! Before I could reach up and throw him off, or scream for John to come help, it licked me.

Yeah, I'm confused here too…

Molly, the stupid, brave soul she is, just trots passed us to lay on the couch. Not even sparing a second glance at the monster who could have been Eating my fucking face! She just lays down and starts licking her ass.

"Hey, John! It's safe, unless he's going to lick us to death." I shout, pushing Rick off me and walking to the fridge. I pull out a half eaten box of pizza, and open it. Rick takes a slice, and climbs up the wall to eat on the ceiling. Reason number two that I hate these things. 'How the hell does he hold onto the ceiling with baby hands?'

"Oh good, hey is that my pizza?"

"John, focus. How did Rick come back? I thought he disappeared with Korrok?"

" So did I Dave. I was just on the Xbox, kicking some dudes ass at hockey, when this big black bubble appeared, and then there he was. I think he crawled out of it."

"Wait, you mean like that one from the basket ball court last year?"

" Yeah, but it was smaller. Like, half the size, and I think something was trying to follow him through."

I shook my head, I really didn't want to go through this again. I've had enough of this weird shit. "So what are we gonna do?"

"Don't think there's anything we can do. Unless of course, another bubble magically appears in front of us."

"How about we sit this one out? I'm not sure I want to get into this shit again John."

" Maybe, we can just wait and see what happens. Hey wanna play some hockey?"

Days went by that way, sometimes we would switch pets, and Rick would come home with me. Amy couldn't see him, so I had to make sure he kept from jumping on her. He seemed fine with her, but he still tackled me whenever he saw me. That got old quick. It continued this way, until one day it didn't.

I came home from my new job, as a manager at a big dollar grocery, to see a large black bubble floating right in front of Amy in my living room. She obviously didn't see it as she was still watching the TV, some stupid reality show on MTV. I watched, frozen, as another wig monster crawled through. This one with a long brunette wig. It climbed the wall and started chattering at Rick.

At this point I didn't know if I should laugh or scream. They both disappeared, and a second later so did the bubble. I sat on the side of the sofa, causing Amy to jump and finally notice me.

"Hey Dave, welcome home. How was work?"

" Oh, um… normal I guess. Missing three classes of strawberries, but nothing real big. How was your day?"

"Oh you know… I put in a few more applications. I hope I can find a job soon, then I'll be able to help out more."

"Oh, it's fine Amy. Hey did John drop Molly off yet?"

"No… was he supposed to?" Amy had this adorable lost look on her face, made me want to squish her face. I kissed her instead.

"I'm gonna go start dinner, and put these away." I held up the groceries I had brought home.

Walking into the kitchen I almost screamed… Almost. On my island were Rick, and the unknown wig monster. Chattering away in some clicky bug language. That is, until Rick looked up and saw me, then he jumped at me and laid around my neck, still chattering at his new friend.

"Hey Rick, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that in my fucking ear." This got me a look, you know the one I mean. The ' excuse me, I was having a conversation' look all your girlfriend's have mastered. Holding up my hands in surrender, I walked over to the fridge and started to put things away.

I froze, a cold shiver running down my spine. The other thing had started crawling up my leg. Not wanting to get stabbed in the ass, I waited until it was on my back before moving. When it reached my shoulder, it licked me. Gross. This was not good.

About an hour later, I took a break from cooking to call John.

Ring* *Ring*

Well, that was great. He was right outside the front door.

"Yeah, I know Dave I'm late. Is Rick ready to go?"

" We got a bit of a situation here John. A code fucking purple kind of situation."

"...Shit. Okay, I won't say anything, where are you?"

" In the kitchen, and Amy's home John."

" Got it." The doorbell rang, I heard Amy get up and let John inside. About a second later they both walked into the kitchen, Molly at their heels. If I didn't have two alien monsters on my shoulders, I would have laughed at John's face.

His eyes were huge, and I could tell he was staring at the unknown wig monster. I saw him brace himself as Rick jumped at him, placing himself on John's shoulder. He began chittering again, clearly explaining John and Amy to his new friend. It didn't move, except to bury its head into the back of my shirt. Ok so probably a girl monster then. Maybe it was Rick's girlfriend, or maybe his wife.

Clearly John was thinking the same thing as me. This shit just got real.


End file.
